Illustrations by Bill Mudron.
Bongo McTweedlepants has been dreaming of a career on the Children’s Hour of Knowledge ever since he was a sock puppet. With a Master’s in Education from Puppet Harvard and a lengthy background in broadcasting, he’s perhaps a little too well qualified to be doing so with Davey.
“Knowledge is half the power!”
Louie Pasture’s incorrectly spelled name is responsible for 93% of the CHK’s Disappointed Google Search Results (DGSR). He has tried to live his life in imitation of the famous microbiologist–but with horns! And udders! We’re… we’re not sure why a boy cow would have udders, maybe it’s a French thing.
“I also invented orange juice.”
Wolfman Mozart is a graduate from the prestigious Musical History program at Puppet Columbia, and the Supergenius Treehouse’s trusted music expert. He is also a werewolf. He likes having his tummy rubbed and he is a good boy; yes he is, he’s a good boy, isn’t he? Yes, he is.
“I’m not a dog! I’m a werewolf!”
The Count is heir to a grand European lineage, hailing from the small but distinguished fiefdom of, um, C**ksylvania. While we can’t legally speak his full name on the air, we can tell you that he most often resides at his London estate, Carf*xxx, and that he is often confused with the legendary Vlad the–Vlad the Impal–Christ, just forget it.
“Tell him I said… BLAH.”
Thaddeus Von Wiggletrousers, or “Thad” as he prefers not to be called, is the superstar puppet cohost of “Doctor Bonker’s Educational Funtime”–which is much like the CHK, only it’s educational and people listen to it. He and Bongo are old chums from their time at Puppet Harvard, which is part of why he believes Bongo is wasted on the CHK.
“Your smiles are like the sunshine from a unicorn’s hug.”
Herman the Oral Hygiene Zombie may be undead, but that doesn’t mean he’s not concerned about your gums! Sure, his deathless hunger and sex addiction may get the best of him at times, but he also serves as a liaison between the CHK and the ravening hordes that regularly storm across Detroit.
“I had become the worst thing a zombie can become… a slow eater.”
The Ghost of Bob Dylan may not be, technically, either a ghost or Bob Dylan. Who can say! He’s too spooooky! We can tell you that he smells horrible, and could use a quarter for the bus.
“Hamburger bicycle, enema raincoat!”
Uncle Sönnschein is Nick’s uncle. No, that’s not redundant. Once a decorated war veteran, he’s now a withered and furious old man. He is an expert in the fields of arthritis and Alzheimer’s, and his body contains approximately three pounds of shrapnel.
“What, they let homosexuals on the radio now?”
First Appearance: Episode 8: 20 Most Important Facts of the 20th Century. Other Appearances.
Fuzzy McTweedlepants, or MC Fuzzy Blanket, is both Bongo’s younger brother and an up-and-coming hip-hop artist in Detroit. His inspirational raps, thick beats and positive message have struck a chord with children everywhere. His debut album, “Drink Milk or Die Tryin’,” is flying off the shelves, and it appears to be only a matter of time before his contract is picked up by a major label.
“Brush your teeth and gums, so you don’t get gingivitis. My d**k so big, looks like I got elephantitis!”
Braggy Bear, according to his MySpace profile, is an expert “at everything.” He claims to be extremely wealthy and to have many celebrity friends. It is very likely that he is not, and does not.
“I have a boat.”
Matronly Margaret is a certified midwife, a mother of seven, founding member of La Leche League and can bench 215 on a bad day. She takes excellent care of the boys in the Treehouse Lab, even when things get rough, which they usually do when she’s around.
“Who’s got some sugar for me?”
Appy-pop, the Peppy Pink Pill enjoys a great deal of success as the spokes-pill for Galaxy-FizedAvartis’ top-selling miracle pill “Apostrophex.” He has the very important job of dispelling some of the uglier rumors about his favorite drug, and promoting its many benefits. For example, did you know that as of April of 2008, Apostrophex no longer causes children to strangle guinea pigs?
“Apostrophex: What you need next!”
Katherine, or Katy to her work-friends, is Bongo’s on-again off-again girlfriend. She’s worked for the Coast Guard for several years, but despite her lack of qualifications, is convinced that she would do a better job hosting the CHK than Davey. In Davey’s defense, almost anyone could say that.
“Just because it was pathetic doesn’t mean it wasn’t romantic!”
Davey’s Inner Child is not real. He is what Davey sees when he takes either not enough, or too many pills. For a nebulous being of pure light, he is surprisingly crazy and violent.
“Feel the textured rubber of the handlebars… under your bottom.”
Doctor Bonkers, sometimes referred to as “Doctors Bonkers” due to his holding an unprecedented twenty-two doctorate degrees, is the host of the wildly successful educational radio program Doctor Bonkers’ Educational Funtime. If you haven’t heard it before, it’s because you’re too poor to afford satellite radio.
“For future reference, you really should have shut up there.”
Zani Gobnose is a popular substitute co-anchor in the Detroit area, having made a strong impression in several media markets with his fervent views on a number of hot-button topics. For some reason, he doesn’t get invited back very much.
“Don’t get me wrong–I don’t put too much trust in book learnin’!”
Correcting Cassidy is a–excuse me, Correcting Cassidy is a substitute cohost puppet–what? Okay, recurring guest puppet who likes to ring a bell at the slightest hint of–or rather, the merest hint of inaccu–even the merest hint of–D*MMIT, CASSIDY, STOP THAT
“Precision is the most important part of education!”
Gobbledygook took advantage of clemency provisions in Michigan law to become the state’s official Pardoned Turkey for Thanksgiving 2008. Though his past is a bit checkered, he’s got a new lease on life and is ready to turn things around if he can just make it through the holidays!
“I’M thankful that I’m still alive.”
Cherries Jubilee is a telephone-based entertainment professional, working primarily with fun, adventurous individuals of legal age.
“You know I charge time and a half for the two of you, right?”
Profoctor Daniel von Candycorn was the original host of the Children’s Hour of Knowledge, during its glory days at the Fillmore Theater half a century ago. He invented the paper-towel-tube telescope, lab coats with pockets, and the term “Profoctor!” These days, though retired, he hosts frequent fundraisers for the American Society of Completely Inexplicable Hacking Cough Research.
“Well, if that ain’t a four-legged pair of flannels!”